Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.