@juliussharpe: Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don't want to look at you.
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@3sunzzz: A millennial told me that he and his friends weren't on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, "Finally, we won!"
@Crunch11b: Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
@nyctwon: I feel creepy every time I 'follow' someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good