[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died