[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
who wants to go expliring
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars