[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
You Might Also Like
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol