Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
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The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
won’t smith
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.