Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.