*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
You Might Also Like
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah