*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”