*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
You Might Also Like
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Who did it better?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.