Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
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No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
This is why I hate group projects
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.