I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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