REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
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I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency