Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
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6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Velcrow
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
This kid will have a bright future.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live