Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.