Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
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*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Yup.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?