explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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“what that mouth do?” complain
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
This line from Airplane.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
under no circumstances will my brother take the L