A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist