My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
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Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.