[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that