@HousewifeOfHell: WTF, marathoners? I don't even like to drive 26 miles.
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@Jeffwni: [job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
@Willie1derful: *receives text from wife "I'm done" Ok. I'll have my lawyer call yours. "I meant work" Ok. Cool.
@Schmoodles: Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.
@mattZillaaaa: Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I'm like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.