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@HousewifeOfHell: WTF, marathoners? I don't even like to drive 26 miles.
@sofarrsogud: WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn't real? It's just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
@truegritrumble: ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
@okayslutty: Girls who have their periods for 3 days, how does it feel to be god’s favorite?
@Henry_3000: Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
@ImKevinito: Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.