WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
You Might Also Like
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me