@HousewifeOfHell: WTF, marathoners? I don't even like to drive 26 miles.
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@moose_chocolate: Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a "violent" stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?
@prufrockluvsong: ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods. DATE: You know when you say it like that it's not very appetizing. ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
@TheDizzyBeauty: When I'm texting, I start typing faster when i see you're typing too. Oh, IT'S ON!! #amazingrace
@plank_sinatra: What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy's house and he's really pissed