WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
You Might Also Like
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
*jazz hands*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.