Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
You Might Also Like
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.