“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
You Might Also Like
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?