“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
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[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash