WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
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I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.