I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Holy crap this is wonderful
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
sistine chapel
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Uh oh…
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.