@thenatewolf: Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.
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@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "How did your first day as a lifeguard go?" Me: "Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me."
@funnyordie: Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
@blaudiablogan: Sign at the gas station: "Bathroom is no longer available." I can't believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
@TheTweetOfGod: I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.