it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
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[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting