WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
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I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
My dog ate my work from home.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”