“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
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Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
a fate I wish upon no one
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.