You know…for fall…
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“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Fidel Castro was alive?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.