X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
You Might Also Like
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
same bro
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*