[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
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Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Found the job I’m suited for
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”