@NurseSeymour: Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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@NYC_Blonde: "I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You're wonderful but get away from me" -My love letter to carbs
@mrtruthandsoul: My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.
@aksorojas: I always have a condom in my wallet in case I get invited to parties and there's not enough balloons for everyone.