Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
You Might Also Like
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My love language is deader than Latin
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
hackers play passwordle
They did not miss in the small print
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Matt Goss
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
*limbos under the caution tape
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.