Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.