[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
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Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.