[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Had an epiphany today.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?