Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.