Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
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Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
a lot to unpack here
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
scares
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…