Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
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We’ve all been there…
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
gentlemen, hear me out
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments