Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
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It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Awesome parenting 😂
My beach vacation Google searches
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.