Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Rooting for the overdog
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Wednesday
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
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