Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
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Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty