Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
You Might Also Like
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name