@MrGeorgeWallace: Y'all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of "spees" is stingin' and bitin' you and shit
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@batkaren: "Every dog has his day," they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
@david8hughes: [at the pet store] Me: I'd like a baby lizard please [later at home] Me: isn't he cute? Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
@ThoughtOtter: Me at a wine tasting: *swirls glass* *sniffs* *sips slowly* *stares off into the distance* ...Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
@ashleyaustrew: 4: "Mom, I'm gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time."