Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
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I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.