yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
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[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Twitter remains undefeated
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I am yelling
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”