Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Is this you?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
my proudest tweet
Oceanography is all about current events
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.