@NoChillPosts: YALL FEMALES ARE THE DEVIL
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@DaHess1: @BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.
@RocketRankoon: Facebook: "Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!" Me: *backs away slowly* [My Twitter origin story]
@lasergirl70: Me to waiter: "I'm eating for 2." Waiter: "Oh, you're pregnant?" Me: "No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can't make it."
@shadygrenade: "30 shots of espresso NOW." *barista's eyes widen* Whoa what do you do for a living? "I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!" *roundhouse kicks barista*