oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
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If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.