Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud