Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.