[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
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Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.