Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
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[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.